hotel room ftw
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
