The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
