Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
