I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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