you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
