I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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