My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
