So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
