I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
