i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
