I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
