Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
