you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
