So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He better not be in your backpack
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
