Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
