Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
