She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
