I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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