I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
