i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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