i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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