Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
