You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
