party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
