I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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