You're completely useless in the revolution.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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