This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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