I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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