You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
