new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
