Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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