i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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