It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
