I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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