96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
