I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
