like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
