you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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