and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Success! We fucked roommates!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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