I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
