it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
