I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
