I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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