She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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