I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
