you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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