It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
