he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
