Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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