how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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