I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
