Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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