Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
