naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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